letting it all out. and i mean alllllllll of it.

warning: i have never said most of this stuff aloud before, and for me to type it all up and put in out there in the blogosphere is HUGE for me. there was a lot of emotion and heart put into this post. i basically poured out a lot of my soul and things i have been bottling up for a long time. i didnt cry though! go me! so venture in if you wish, but dont say i didnt warn you.


I have a lot of stuff going on right now. I have so many feelings and emotions and I don't know what to do with them. I feel like a failure. I had a plan for my life and within just a few years everything has drastically changed and I feel like I am moving backwards. I graduated high school four years ago this may. That seems like forever ago. I was supposed to graduate from Western Kentucky University this May. I was supposed to graduate college in about six weeks and I am not. Wow. Seeing that written down in words actually makes it real. I don't go to Western anymore. Sometimes I do miss it, but I was unhappy there my sophomore year and I could not afford it anymore--tuition is freaking expensive! Anyway, now I go to community college and am literally NO WHERE NEAR graduating. Being a mom and trying to go to school is H-A-R-D. Not impossible, but way way way more difficult than I ever imagined. Jerimy works nights and I don't have a babysitter in the evenings so I my only choice is to take online classes and those are not working out this semester. Of course. putting me even further behind in getting my degree. I need to register for classes for next semester. What I really need to do is take summer classes so I can try to catch up on the time I have let pass by.

I was also dieting a few months ago. I lost 18 lbs in 3 weeks! HELLO CAN YOU SAY AWESOME?! But I quit. Why, whyyyy did I give up? I wanted to lose weight more than anything. I still, more than anything, want to lose weight. Why can't I just get off the couch and do it?! I don't understand myself. I cannot stick with anything. The only thing I have continuously done in my whole life is basically be my lazy self. Since my freshman year of high school, I have gained about 80 lbs. Yes, I did have a baby, and he was a major part of that weight gain but all of my friends have also had children before me and non of them have gained as much weight as me. I have hypothyroidism. I don't take my medicine to control my thyroid. Why dont I? I dont know the answer to that either. All I have to do it take a teeny tiny pill every morning and I would probably lose 10 lbs easily, by just taking that freaking pill. But somehow, I cannot manage to do that. Why? If I know I want something more than anything, why cant I take the steps and do the work to make that happen?

I have lived most of my life being unhappy. I have been overweight ever since I can remember. I am obese, according to the BMI calculator. That was really hard for me to type. I am hoping that the few of you who read this don't look at me differently. That word, obese, is........a nightmare for me to realize. When you think of obese people, or at least when I do, I think of people so overweight that they cannot get out of bed. Those people that have to sit in a mobilized chair to get around because they cannot walk. I saw a lady at the grocery store yesterday and she was probably the biggest woman I have ever seen. I would never ever make fun of anyone for their weight so this is not going to be poking fun, I honestly felt so sorry for her. I cannot imagine what her quality of life must be like. She was in a chair about the size of a full sized mattress, and she took up the whole thing. Her neck was very dirty because I am sure she is unable to take showers on her own. Her feet were very dirty and her toenails had not been cut in ages. I wanted to hug her. I feel like I am her. People were trying so hard not to stare. I feel like that. I feel like people look at me and think, "Goodness she is B-I-G." I hate feeling like that. I want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I don't like being overweight, who really likes being overweight? I want to wear pretty clothes, I want to be able to shop at more than just three stores. Right now, I can only physically walk into one store and shop, that store is Lane Bryant. I can shop online at Torrid and Old Navy, they carry my size. It's hard being a 22 year old woman and have never been thin a day in my life. I envy people who are naturally thin. I have never worn a two piece bathing suit, shared clothes with my friends, sat comfortably in a school desk, sat comfortably anywhere for that matter, my thighs overflow the seat and I take up more than the allotted space of the chair seat.

I want to marry Jerimy. I do not want to be a plus sized bride. I hate everything about my body. I used to think I had a pretty face, but now all I see is fat. My body has changed so much since I had a baby. I've gained weight, but somehow my breasts have gotten smaller...wtf? I have gotten so used to being overweight that I wish I was invisible. I don't want people to look at me and see how big I have let myself become. I feel DISGUSTING. I was so depressed a few months ago I refused to leave the house except to go to work and to pick up Cohen because I did not want anyone to see me. Why dont I do something about myself? jerimy tries so hard to make me feel better about myself. he tells me everyday how beautiful he think i am and how he loves me just the way i am. which i am grateful for, but i cant believe in what he is saying until i actually feel better about myself.

I like LOVE food. I feel like I have an addiction to it. I was on my diet, and in my head I would be telling myself, you do not want this food, you want to be skinny, but I would eat anyway. It was like the want of the food took over my body. I will eat when I am not hungry, I will eat when I have just finished dinner, just because I WANT food. How do I fix this? I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do.

Jerimy and I love each other so much, however, we have nothing in common. We have nothing to talk about. We can sit in silence with each other for over an hour an the only thing we say is "I love you." I love him, and he is the best man I know. I am soooooooooo lucky to have him. I mean he truly is wonderful. I can't explain to you all the wonderful qualities he has because it would take me forever. I want to be able to talk to him about anything and everything. We just dont have great conversation, we dont have any conversation. He never has anything to say to me. Not about the weather, not about the news or current events, not about work, not about anything. I can seriously talk your head off all day about the socks I wore last week, but when it comes to conversation with Jerimy, I am empty. I don't know what to say to him. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and we already dont have anything to talk about. Whats going to happen in 40 years when our kids are grown and our looks have faded and our love and become more comfortable than passionate...what are we going to do? I already feel myself looking in other tempting places for better conversation. Talking to a person who I have awesome conversation with. Why can I have great conversation with that person, and not have anything to say to my lover?

We are about to go to couples therapy. Jerimy is the other thing I have not given up on. We have dated for wow, almost eight years now. Of course this has been on and way off. But I have loved him continuously for eight consecutive years. I was never willing to fully give up and say "Ok i am finished for good. i am never going back to him again." ok i said that, but i never followed through with it. do you see my pattern of not following through with things? so anyway, we arent even married yet and we already need therapy. is that a bad sign? i cant decide. i feel like on one hand, we're only 22 and 24 not yet married and if we already need therapy that means we're pretty much doomed. on the other hand,  i would like to work on our issues and try to make our relationship stronger before we get married, so we know for sure that we are meant to be together and are going to work out. i am terrified of divorce. i almost dont want to get married because i do not want to get a divorce. divorce is scary. it tears families apart. in some cases, yes I can see how divorce would be better than staying together, but it still scares me.

i dont know what to do. i am so confused right now about my life and what i am doing. where am i going? what am i doing with my life? what kind of mother am i being?

i feel like i really suck as a mom. i am lazy. one of the laziest people i know. hence me being overweight, active people usually arent obese. i dont read to cohen. i want to start. i dont make him watch his "your baby can read" dvds. i dont do hardly anything with him. i dont teach him things. i feel like i am hindering not helping him live up to his full potential. why cant i be a better mother to my sweet precious baby? he likes to play on his own a lot. but there is so much more i could do with him. this is one of the hardest parts about being overweight. i get out of breath easily. its not easy for me to take him outside to play when i dont like the heat and the bugs and its hard for me to even bend over to pick him up, or sit int he grass and play with him. i also have such a fear of never losing weight and sending him to school and him getting made fun of for having a fat mom. i do not want that for him. so why cant i change myself, if not for me, for my son? i say i would do anything for him, so why dont i?

i want to be active. i want to change. i try and then i give up. i dont know when i will ever stick with something. when will the pain of staying the same outweigh the pain of changing?

i dont know what to do.