Depression.

I think I breastfed Cohen for the last time today. I know it might sound stupid but I'm a little bit sad. My goal was to breastfeed him for at least a year and I feel like I failed. Cohen is not a cuddler, he likes to be on his own, independent, and does not like to be held for long periods of time. He has been losing interest in breastfeeding for over a month now, I've only been feeding him once a day, in the morning when we wake up, and it's for only about ten minutes. I've been wondering if it's even worth it anymore, a part of me thinks, "every little bit helps," (that's the attached motherly part of me), another part of me thinks, "You are not feeding him for any length of time that will benefit him anymore and it's almost a waste of time." (This is the more rational, logical part of me.) He does not like to lay down and eat, he fights me when I try to feed him for any amount of time longer than ten minutes, he fights me when I try to feed him anytime other than in the mornings, and I can tell he's just ready to be finished. I breastfed him for nine months and nine days, so I guess that's good enough.

I was not in love with breastfeeding by any means. For the most part, it was a big hassle, especially when he was younger. However, I loved the health benefits. It's so good for him and it's free, and hello! Have you seen how much formula costs??? IT'S RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE! Anyway, I think I'm finished with it.

I have a lot to say. I don't know if I should say it all at once. I have so many thoughts in my head. I do not feel like I am a good mother. I am not happy. I feel like something is wrong with me. My brain feels...weird. I can't explain it, but the part of my brain where I feel like I should be happy, is somewhat numb. I don't look at my child and am overwhelmed with love. I look at him like he is just a baby. I know he is my baby but I don't feel connected to him. I don't feel connected to Jerimy either. I feel so incredibly disconnected from everything around me. I can sit at home with Jerimy all day and feel like we have not spent anytime together. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's an awful feeling. I love my baby so much, but sometimes I find myself just not wanting to deal with him.

I've been having a really hard time lately.

People say all the time, "I don't know what I would do without my children." I don't know if I feel like that. I can say it all day long, but when I really think about it, I don't know if I feel that way. I feel depressed. I don't have a life anymore. Yes, I know, that's what happens when you have a baby, and I knew that by becoming a mother, I was giving up my whole life. It's just been hard. I have hardly no help. Jerimy is an amazing father and is wonderful with Cohen, but he works ALL THE TIME. He's hardly ever here, and it's hard for me to deal with Cohen, be in school, and try to take care of our household, (which is a disaster by the way.) When Cohen wakes up in the morning, I hear him crying in his bed, and I don't want to get up, I just want to lay there because I don't want to deal with him. I want to be able to sleep until I am ready to get up, and I know that will probably never happen again, it comes with the territory of parenthood.

I don't know if I have post-pardum depression, or something else but I need help. I started taking a medication today that will hopefully help, and I'm looking into see a therapist, but that costs money and we are pretty broke right now.

I don't have the desire to get down on the floor and play with him. I don't know what to teach him. I'm boring and I don't have a big imagination and I don't know what to do to have fun with Cohen. Jerimy is a kid a heart and he is so great with Cohen. He makes him laugh, and does all kinds of fun things with him that I would never think of. I know what Cohen needs, when it comes to when he needs to be fed, when he needs a bath, when he needs to be changed, when hes tired, etc. But when it comes to actually spending quality time with him having fun and playing, I suck at it.

Now I'm tired and we've been very sick with a stomach bug for the past two days so I'm going to rest now. Ugh I have to work tomorrow. So not looking forward to it. I had more to say but ill have to wait til later.